One of my friends who is self-funding his postgraduate studies shared his struggles in a sombre tone, indicating lower self-esteem. The gist of his talk was that, unlike others, nothing seemed to be going well with his life. I could relate to Cooley's (1922) and Goffman’s (1959) Social Self in action through his disappointments.
Social Self describes how oneself or a person’s identity (e.g., character, belief, values, experience, self-image) is shaped by how one appears to others. It involves understanding oneself through the lens of other people. The theoretical assumption of social theories is that self is not a fixed entity within individuals but instead, a dynamic social process which is constantly shaped and reshaped by our interactions with others and our social environment. In Scheff’s (1997) micro-sociological theory, he extends the concept of the social self by relating it to emotions, asserting that self-processes lead to feelings of either pride or shame.
I reassured him that comparing our lives with others is like a double-edged sword. Considered positively, it may motivate oneself to strive for better achievements. But if viewed negatively, it may trigger feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, or discontent especially if we perceive ourselves as lacking when compared to others.
Every one of us is unique. That is, each one of us has our share of circumstances, challenges, and opportunities in our lives. When we draw comparisons, we unknowingly or knowingly fail to acknowledge these differences, leading to unfair assessments. Although it is inevitable to completely avoid comparisons, finding a middle way, which is a holistic and balanced approach is essential in one’s life.
Why Comparing with Others is Good
When I see others succeed, I get motivated and inspired by their success. This helps me to have my own goals and work harder to reach higher goals. I have found out that it led to my personal growth and enhanced the pursuit of new opportunities. Comparing myself with others also functioned as a benchmark to measure my progress. In doing so, it helped me in setting realistic goals and understand what is achievable.
People to whom I look always provide me a learning opportunities, thereby providing valuable lessons and strategies for my growth. I learned to adopt best practices and avoid pitfalls by learning from others’ experiences. In cognitive language, it stimulated my self-reflection or metacognition – prompting a deeper understanding of my strengths and weaknesses. All of these aided my personal development and improved my self-awareness.
Why Comparing with Others is NOT Good
I found that comparing myself with others was bringing more harm than good. I had to pressure myself with some unrealistic expectations beyond my capacity to be on par with others. When those expectations were not met, I had to cope with deep disappointment and frustration. My self-esteem lowered when I constantly compared myself with others. At times, this made me feel inadequate or inferior. Inferior complexity further affected my mental health and deteriorated my overall well-being.
What I have forgotten by comparing myself with others was that I have completely ignored my progress and never appreciated the truer version of me. This means I have overlooked my achievements and progress of what I have done myself before. I felt myself suffering from a lack of motivation, increased stress, and anxiety, making my life more overwhelming.
So, what am I practising now?
Ume Lam: The Middle Way
As a devoted Mahayana Buddhist, I strive to seek solace in the ideals of Ume Lam. Also known as the Middle Path, Ume Lam is one of the fundamental yet profound philosophies in Buddhism. In conceptualising Ume Lam, a person seeks to take a middle way that involves finding a balance between extremes in all conditions, events, or incidences. That is not to confuse with compromising one thing and being in the middle to avert the negative impact of both extremes.
Another best way to conceptualise the phenomenon of Ume Lam is through the ideals of Chogshay in Buddhism. The direct English equivalent for chogshay is contentment – that is, knowing the boundary. In a deeper sense, ume lam may also be associated with realising emptiness – the extremes of existence and non-existence.
Although it is easier said than done, practising ume lam is not everybody’s cup of tea. This is because most of us largely struggle to pursue our personal goals and instead live our lives to meet societal expectations. We dwell in a tradition where conformation to the expectations and norms of the larger community comes at the cost of our authentic selves. For example, nowadays, we are easily swayed by the definition of success or failure from the way society dictates and not the way we understand it. Just as success is often equated with having advanced qualifications, driving luxury cars, possessing fat bank deposits, owning massive property, or dining in luxury hotels, failure is not having any. Instead of living the middle way (a balanced approach), sadly, these attributes are increasingly used as benchmarks to compare our lives in this contemporary society.
Comparison is the thief of joy, they say. I have felt this is true because it has only discounted my self-confidence and morale whenever I compared my life with others. For example, I was consistently ranked first in four separate interviews to pursue a master’s degree through prestigious scholarships from 2009 to 2012. Despite having good grades and accomplishment records than my counterparts, I could not make it through the interview, leaving me feeling emotionally and morally low. Knowing that those selected from the interviews had less impressive academic records and credentials than me was even more heartbreaking.
Because I was still in the auto-mode of comparing myself with others, my ego further aggravated my self-esteem. In 2013, I gave a shot at another scholarship. This scholarship was not much sought after and garnered less interest in its recipients by many, possibly due to limited financial benefits or the study location being in a neighbouring country. It was not surprising that I was selected for the scholarship 😏.
However, for me, the scholarship was still a novel privilege. After securing this opportunity, I avoided comparing or thinking of the previous four prestigious scholarships I could not secure. I also cared less about what others thought but rather focused on excelling in my scholarship prospects. From that moment on, as others say, the rest became history.
By saying history, I do not imply being more successful (or whatever it connotes). Rather than comparing myself with others, I began to compare my today with my yesterday. I learned to be better by seizing every opportunity I had at that specific moment instead of lamenting about things beyond my control. That is why, my thesis project which involved creating an innovative hands-on model for demonstrating a physics law resulted in me being the recipient of the Certificate of Invention and Petty Patent. This accomplishment marked me as the first international student to achieve this distinction in my university.
I am not sure whether I would have achieved this milestone if I had been selected for any of the four scholarships I failed to secure. Through this achievement, I became more familiar with the ideals of tendrel, – another Buddhist precept that infers every phenomenon to be the result of causes and conditions. That is to say that success or failure is the consequence of the mutual presence of causes and conditions. We have our own time to bloom in our unique way and at our own pace. Appreciating this truth has potentially allowed me to grow in the direction of positivity and fulfilment in my life.
It has helped me to ritualise the essence of chogshay by focusing on my personal goals. It is always fulfilling to have my personal goals designed based on my aspirations and conditions, rather than trying to mimic others. Irrespective of being small or big, I always celebrate my progress. This habit of regularly acknowledging and celebrating personal milestones and achievements keeps me moving forward, slowly and steadily.
Saying that I do not compare with others can also be a partial truth. But knowing that comparing myself with others comes with both positive and negative bearing, I always strive to approach such comparisons mindfully with a balanced perspective. For example, when I notice someone achieving greater heights in their career or life, I draw inspiration and learn from them, without focusing on measuring my self-worth. I tend to look inward (e.g., my personal growth, setting realistic goals, and rejoicing in my milestones) and not outward (e.g., career progress, life achievements, social status, lifestyle choices, and material possessions). Maintaining a balance (Ume Lam) between these extremes in all conditions helps me to appreciate others without feeling diminished or overshadowed and at the same time live with my own set of values and aspirations. As my blog subtitle reads, I always find comfort in the idea:
Does not always have to be a rose to smell sweet.
